Oceans.
It's so easy to care for someone that turns it neatly around, hands it back. It's nourishing and reconnecting and amazing.
It's scary, though, to sometimes wonder who in my vicinity is an emotional vampire. To wonder who, when I need them the most, will jump ship with my heart between their teeth and swim ashore.
Heart-strings tug, but they can be broken. Miles of ocean are separating me from so many people now, and strings are straining, and I can't decide where to cut and where to hold on.
It started before this show or these men or this friend or this hurt inside me. There is no one to blame but myself and I can't come around enough to feel guilty.
It's the irrevocable knowledge that I'm nearly done growing up... that above all, I have to live for myself and follow my dreams. And for once... I'm not frightened. I'm not recoiling and hiding under my comforter. I want this pride in myself, in my accomplishments. I want school and an apartment and Salt Lake City and people.
I can't always take care of everyone, can I? And I can't always do what you expect me to... even if it hurts you. It doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm leaving anyone behind. That would be a lie, too much of a betrayal. It just means that I'm changing, and I hope you can come with me... or at least try to understand.
At six in the morning, the sky was watercolor blue. I said I was ready to fly, and he smiled and squeezed my hand.
It's scary, though, to sometimes wonder who in my vicinity is an emotional vampire. To wonder who, when I need them the most, will jump ship with my heart between their teeth and swim ashore.
Heart-strings tug, but they can be broken. Miles of ocean are separating me from so many people now, and strings are straining, and I can't decide where to cut and where to hold on.
It started before this show or these men or this friend or this hurt inside me. There is no one to blame but myself and I can't come around enough to feel guilty.
It's the irrevocable knowledge that I'm nearly done growing up... that above all, I have to live for myself and follow my dreams. And for once... I'm not frightened. I'm not recoiling and hiding under my comforter. I want this pride in myself, in my accomplishments. I want school and an apartment and Salt Lake City and people.
I can't always take care of everyone, can I? And I can't always do what you expect me to... even if it hurts you. It doesn't mean I don't care or that I'm leaving anyone behind. That would be a lie, too much of a betrayal. It just means that I'm changing, and I hope you can come with me... or at least try to understand.
At six in the morning, the sky was watercolor blue. I said I was ready to fly, and he smiled and squeezed my hand.
3 Comments:
I'll come along, for as long as you keep letting me. Sound like a good plan? I hope you think so. It'd be a shame to get seperated again so quickly. I love you to the moon.
You know, I've never met you. I know you only through the Internet - but I've noticed changes in you nevertheless. And it's so good to know that you're close to figuring out who you are and what you want...isn't that one of the goals of life, anyway? To figure out one's identity, and to be happy with who you are? It seems like you've reached that point - and I'm very happy for you. :) You rock, and don't you forget that.
Ti amo, cara mia!
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